Dani Nichols

To escape the record-breaking heat in Oregon, I took my kids to the movies today. They’d never been, and after spending the equivalent of a decent restaurant meal on three matinee tickets and a small popcorn I remembered why that is.

Regardless, it’s a small price to pay for a few hours of A/C and some happy memories with my kids. Movies are an escape from reality for an hour or two, and movies during bad weather are even more so.

But towards the end of the film, Isaiah got antsy. He wanted to play, he wanted to know if we could go to the toy store after, he wanted Mac n’ cheese. I told him to shush, I held him in my lap, I let him climb on the handicapped bar next to our seats. But when I told him that he had to be quiet for the 20th time, the independent side of him snapped. He grabbed the popcorn bag and started throwing bits of corny detritus at Addy and I, all while stomping his feet and glowering in a fit of irrational toddler rage.

I’m ashamed to say that I did nothing outwardly, and inwardly I seethed. I watched him tantrum, right there in front of God and everybody, not sure how I should react but also biting back my worst impulses. What I wanted was a morning of escape - but it turns out my faults - my impatience, my bad judgment, my temper - were still there, inescapable, chilling in the A/C with me.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of escaping, and not just because it didn’t work today. My life offers a lot of chances to check out - I can watch TV, scroll my phone, pour a glass of wine, go out with a girlfriend - and suddenly I can pretend I don’t feel like I’m failing motherhood - that I’m not overwhelmed and underprepared.

But what if I’m called not to escape. What if the answer is not escapism but whole-hearted embracing - even tantrums and times I wonder how to help these little strong wills. Aren’t moms supposed to know everything? Aren’t moms supposed to love always?

Maybe, ideally. There’s nothing wrong with a little relaxation or rest, you know I love a glass of wine at the end of the day. But if I’m always escaping the hard parts, maybe I never learn to love through them.

If I always keep my A/C on, maybe I’ll never acclimate to summertime, if I am constantly looking for an out maybe I am never really “in”. If I want my kids to remember anything about me as a mom, it’s that I was there - not escaping, not out of it, but present - even through heat waves and tantrums and mistakes.